Somebody That I Used to Know

I blew my kids' minds the other day. We were talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up; so far we have a couple a veterinarians (pending #2’s dream of being a professional fort night player doesn’t work out), a nurse, and Spiderman. One of the kids asked me if I always wanted to be a mom. And I told them, honestly, I did. Then they asked why I went to college if I was never going to “really work.” And here’s the part that blew their mind: I was someone before they ever met me. I was someone more than their mom. Before changing diapers, being spit-up on, cutting 100 finger and toe nails in one sitting; before I became an expert at creating a Tetris board of beach towels and bowls to catch the result of a house full of food poison-ing, before I folded 4 loads of laundry and prepared 21 meals a day (plus snacks); before I met and married their daddy, became a military wife and excelled at DITY moves, PCS, Army acronyms and growing thick skin; before all of that, I had a dream. And a plan.

I went to Auburn and studied HDFS (human development and family studies). I worked as a Resident Assistant, cut hair on the side and nannied in the summers. I carried a 20 hour credit load each semester spending time in the classroom as well as around the community, both with SAFE Harbor, working with sexual assault victims, and with the AIDS Outreach of East Alabama Medical center. I spoke at sorority meetings. I spoke at GLAAD meetings. I coordinated events for World AIDS Day. I passed out condoms and *other items* on the concourse between classes. I also sang in the choir and cantored at mass. I lead the Pan Y Vino retreat with the Catholic Student Organization. I volunteer and coached cheerleading at Auburn Junior High School. I developed and nurtured the seed that my parents had planted deep within my being years before into a heart for serving others. I joined the staff of Catholic Heart Workcamp and traveled the country for 5 weeks each summer serving and entertaining hundreds of teens who went out and served the underprivileged in the community. I learned to identify and love the many sides to myself.

My world became less black and white. Instead, I saw things in shades of gray. (No pun intended, but here’s a good segway) I focused my studies on the sexual development of young adults and adolescents. I decided that my love of public speaking, desire to work with teens, and ability to speak openly, tactfully and articulately about taboo topics created the perfect opportunity for me to work within public schools as a sex education counselor. I traveled to Tanzania for 6 weeks and worked at Amani Center for Street Children during the day and taught English to local men at night. I finished college a semester early, abroad in Italy studying different cultures and family structures. I graduated Summa Cum Laude, was accepted into a graduate program and offered a position to run a dorm as a Hall Director. My schooling and lodging would be 100% covered. I also fell in love.

I turned down the offers and chose to marry the man I loved, who had surprised me while I was in Italy with a 4 am phone call informing me he had joined the Army. I couldn’t imagine the possibility of him deploying and having no legal right to information about him and his wellbeing. We married, having only dated long distance and having never lived in the same state. We moved to our first Duty Station two days after our wedding, stayed in a motel until we signed a lease on our first apartment and enjoyed 4 months of wedded bliss before finding out we were expecting. Another 4 months were spent together before we faced our first deployment, then the birth of our first born while he was still away. We drove from TN, where I had given birth prematurely, to NC, to a house I had never seen, when our baby was 6 days old.

The idea of working outside the home became less and less practical through more deployments,  moves, and babies. The once articulate, confident and educated person who I was, turned into a person who speaks simply to little ones all day; who coordinates meals and naps, practices and playdates. It took 12 years, but I can bake cookies now. I’m a damn good baby swaddler too. In the past 13 years, I’ve changed a lot. Some of my views, maybe a few beliefs. I’ve faced trials and difficulties that 21 year old me couldn’t have imagined. So when my kids heard that I plan to find a “real job” in a couple years when the (newest) baby is in school, I could understand their surprise. My dream job today doesn’t look the same as it did 13 years ago. My dream job today doesn’t actually have a face yet. I think I need to spend more time learning and loving the new, many sides of me. I was someone before they ever knew me. And now I have the opportunity to help them find out who they each are as well. Maybe that’s the perfect job for me right now.