Be not Afraid?

I’ve been so bad recently at finding time for prayer. I can blame it on being busy, or being lazy; but I think my real reason is fear. I feel like if I just keep moving and don’t stop to think, maybe my emotions won’t catch up with me. Bernard being deployed is so scary. It’s scary because there’s so much I don’t know- so much he can’t tell me. It’s scary because the news never reports anything good. It’s scary because I have no control over this situation. I think I’m afraid that if I stop to pray, stop to let God in completely right now, I’ll feel as though I’ve lost control. The fact of the matter is, I cannot fathom anything happening to Bernard. And I worry that if I really am at peace with this deployment mess, then I’ll open myself up to the possibility of tragedy. I can’t imagine life without him. I really don’t know how I could function. When he’s not here, I just put certain parts of my life on hold, on pause until he comes back. I can’t imagine that day not coming.

I try not to worry and I don’t want to fear, but this is such unchartered waters for me, I don’t know how to approach this. I want god to be in control, to know my heart and occupy every inch of it, but I’m so afraid. I just need Bernard in my life and part of me feels almost like we still haven’t gotten that chance! Long distance and constant deployments, it’s hard to not desire a “normal” life and marriage. But I love him with all that I am and I am so unbelievably proud of the man he is. I’m grateful for his presence in my life, no matter what the distance between us is. And I can’t help but see clearly God’s hand in our entire story. Our meeting, our dating, our marriage, and our daily walk.

God, help me open my heart to you, trust in you, and to not be fearful but confident of this deployment and your presence in it. And Genesis 31:49, Bernard. SHMILY