I’ve been so bad recently at finding time for prayer. I can blame it on being busy, or being lazy; but I think my real reason is fear. I feel like if I just keep moving and don’t stop to think, maybe my emotions won’t catch up with me. Bernard being deployed is so scary. It’s scary because there’s so much I don’t know- so much he can’t tell me. It’s scary because the news never reports anything good. It’s scary because I have no control over this situation. I think I’m afraid that if I stop to pray, stop to let God in completely right now, I’ll feel as though I’ve lost control. The fact of the matter is, I cannot fathom anything happening to Bernard. And I worry that if I really am at peace with this deployment mess, then I’ll open myself up to the possibility of tragedy. I can’t imagine life without him. I really don’t know how I could function. When he’s not here, I just put certain parts of my life on hold, on pause until he comes back. I can’t imagine that day not coming.
I try not to worry and I don’t want to fear, but this is such unchartered waters for me, I don’t know how to approach this. I want god to be in control, to know my heart and occupy every inch of it, but I’m so afraid. I just need Bernard in my life and part of me feels almost like we still haven’t gotten that chance! Long distance and constant deployments, it’s hard to not desire a “normal” life and marriage. But I love him with all that I am and I am so unbelievably proud of the man he is. I’m grateful for his presence in my life, no matter what the distance between us is. And I can’t help but see clearly God’s hand in our entire story. Our meeting, our dating, our marriage, and our daily walk.
God, help me open my heart to you, trust in you, and to not be fearful but confident of this deployment and your presence in it. And Genesis 31:49, Bernard. SHMILY
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Mark 2: Faith That Carries You
Mark 2. It’s a story in the bible that I’ve grown very attached to. I’ve spoken on it several times, but I first learned about it from a friend at a very impressionable time in high school. Mark 2 is the story of Jesus healing the paralytic. I’m sure you’ve heard it before; so had I. But when this friend related it to me, the way he spoke about it really hit my heart. There was a paralytic who, for his entire life, could do nothing more than lay on a mattress. His friends, who were believers, tried to talk him into going to see Jesus, but he was too embarrassed by his condition to try. I wonder if maybe he doubted that it would help. He was hopeless. Despite his refusal, his friends CARRIED the man on his mattress to go see Jesus. When they got to where He was, there were thousands of people gathered around the house, waiting to see Him. Never discouraged, the friends carried the paralytic onto the ROOF; busted THROUGH the roof and lowered the man down to see Jesus. Here the Bible says, “When Jesus saw THEIR faith, He said, ‘Son, your sins are forgiven.’”
Because of THEIR faith? WOW. That gives me such encouragement. How many times in my life have I been grouped into inaccurate or negative stereotypes? How many times have I been assumed guilty by association because of who I hang out with or am surrounded by? “Oh, she’s just another young mom.” “Oh, she’s a military wife.” “Her husband’s not around; she can’t understand what marriage is really like.” But to be grouped in with the friends from this story? Friends who have so much faith, that I would reap the benefits? I would gladly be associated with them! I would gladly be passed off as one of them.
There are times in my life when my emotions get the best of me; when I don’t have the strength, the patience, or even the words to pray. These are the times when I need these friends the most. Friends who will spread out the prayers for me and speak the words I cannot find. These are the times I need friends who are faithful despite my pity parties and Debbie downer moments. Friends who will pick me up and break through a roof, just so I can see the face of Christ! This is the love and support that I have found in my friends and my family. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by strong women who not only pray for me, but with me too. My prayer is that I can be one of these friends, one of these women who have faith so strong they can carry a friend during a hard time, down a tough path, or even through a roof.
Because of THEIR faith? WOW. That gives me such encouragement. How many times in my life have I been grouped into inaccurate or negative stereotypes? How many times have I been assumed guilty by association because of who I hang out with or am surrounded by? “Oh, she’s just another young mom.” “Oh, she’s a military wife.” “Her husband’s not around; she can’t understand what marriage is really like.” But to be grouped in with the friends from this story? Friends who have so much faith, that I would reap the benefits? I would gladly be associated with them! I would gladly be passed off as one of them.
There are times in my life when my emotions get the best of me; when I don’t have the strength, the patience, or even the words to pray. These are the times when I need these friends the most. Friends who will spread out the prayers for me and speak the words I cannot find. These are the times I need friends who are faithful despite my pity parties and Debbie downer moments. Friends who will pick me up and break through a roof, just so I can see the face of Christ! This is the love and support that I have found in my friends and my family. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by strong women who not only pray for me, but with me too. My prayer is that I can be one of these friends, one of these women who have faith so strong they can carry a friend during a hard time, down a tough path, or even through a roof.
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